I know what you’re probably thinking. If navigating inner chaos was quick and easy, why would we need mentors, therapists, and unhealthy coping mechanisms? Whether you’re struggling to determine if you should break up with your boyfriend, quit your job to join a rock band or figure out how to get your life on track, this simple guide is intended to give you a general framework of where to start and how to get to the root of your feelings to make a final decision.
When using this guide, I recommend using a pen and paper and writing out a plan as you go along. The importance of this exercise is to get out of your head and improve your clarity on what you’re up against. Everyone is different, so how you decide to navigate your situation is ultimately up to you.
Step 1: Determine What Your Needs Are And Are They Being Met Regularly
Sounds easy, but how we define our needs in order to live a safe and fulfilling life is important before doing any inner work. Things like financial security, food security, housing, and safe relationships are some easy examples of needs that keep you able to function in daily life and allow you to have the stability to sustain yourself. While everyone’s situation may look different, when we’re struggling to navigate our inner world, we can miss important key details in our decision making if we aren’t at our full capacity. Sometimes we may not realize we’re stressed out over a relationship or change in life simply because it highlights or even covers up another larger issue in our lives.
Exercise: Ask yourself the following questions:
- What can I not live without on a daily basis and why?
- How to do my weekly habits make me feel? Can I do what I need to do to take care of myself?
- Who is able to support me during this time?
While these questions are general, they should point you in the right direction of where you need to focus on. If you are finding that you have more than two areas of your life where you are struggling, seeking professional assistance or talking to a trusted friend would be beneficial.
Ultimately, the goal is to get a grounded and realistic view of your life as possible BEFORE you look at the individual stressor. Regardless of your options, learning to prioritize your needs will help you in navigating any situation. While some of these questions may lead to difficult realizations, understanding where you’re at will result in better decision making.
Step 2: Identify What Resources You Have To Meet Those Needs
Now that we’ve identified what we need for self-care, next we need to make sure we’re able to obtain what we need to do that. Once again, money, food and housing could be considered resources here. However, in terms of relationships, those are equally as important. Having social support is crucial for navigating times of stress and being able to connect with others in positive ways improves your ability to navigate conflict. Please note that this isn’t just about relationships you can vent to, but people who can support you during a crisis, lend you items you may need, or generally can be trustworthy. Finding these relationships can take time, so finding ways to cope in the meantime are crucial to learn.
Exercise: Ask yourself the following questions:
- If something goes wrong in my life, do I have the ability or resources to help me get through it?
- What do my closest relationships look like? Are they fulfilling and sustainable?
- How difficult is it for me to obtain the resources I need to take care of myself? (Ex: I have a job, but how much does it pay me vs the amount of stress, time, energy?)
- What emotions do I typically associate with my needs not being met? How do I act when I can’t get what I need?
By identifying how your needs are being met, you can start to recognize patterns in where potential stressors, obstacles, and objectives are. Weeding through the different layers of stressors can help you identify what may be blocking your decision making currently and separate non-relevant issues from what’s important to your decision making.
Step 3: Determine How This Decision Impacts You And Others
Once you’ve mentally separated the stressors you normally feel from the situation impacting you, try to determine the areas of your life that this decision may affect. For example, if you are considering getting into a new relationship, the areas of your life that may be impacted may include your living situation, your finances, your social life and so on. The more clear you are on how the decision will impact you, the more you can focus on what (or who) is most important in your decision making.
Exercise: Ask yourself the following questions:
- How truly important is the outcome of this decision to me?
- If this person/situation that is causing me conflict was removed from my life, what would my life look like otherwise?
- Who is all impacted besides myself by my decision?
- What will change as a result of my decision? What will not change?
We cannot ultimately control all of the outcomes from our decisions. Understanding how we’re impacted by our own decision making allows us to further understand ourselves and bring about new ways to view situations and relationships. If we are to live with the consequences of our own actions, we must consider ourselves as we are stuck along for the ride.
Step 4: Determine How You Feel
This is the tricky part. The previous steps may have already started to unlock new feelings and thoughts towards the decision you are trying to come to. Once those have been acknowledged, now it is time to sit with the task at hand. Breathe, sit with yourself for a moment, and allow emotions to rise up as you think about the decision you are trying to make. Release what comes up and allow it to exist, regardless of if it’s right or wrong. The longer you sit with it, the clearer it will become as the initial thoughts emerge and go away. Focus on the areas of your body, such as your stomach or your heart to see if there’s a reaction.
Depending on your decision, this may take some time. As you process your feelings, it’s ok to not come to an immediate conclusion. Feelings do not always have to be definite, but they do help in understanding ourselves better. Periodically journaling, writing a pros and cons list, breath work and exercising are all great ways to work through the emotions after feeling them. You may even come up with new ideas as a result of giving yourself the space to clear out old emotions and let new ones in.
Step 5: Make Your Decision
At some point, the planning and processing will come to an end. You may not always be ready or want to decide at all. However, perpetual indecision is still a decision in itself. Setting a goal or a deadline can help allow the processing part to come to a close. Remain realistic and gauge what you need in order to finalize and take action. Remember you are only human and that sometimes we won’t always be our best selves or have all the information needed in order to come to a conclusion about something. Set your boundaries within yourself to allow whatever will happen as a result to be and move forward.
If you are looking for further professional assistance, check out our resources list for ideas of who to reach out to during your time of need.
Written by Christian Meyer
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