Today I’m writing this opinion piece about an experience that is commonly had by anyone looking for a healing community for support. I joined an online group and shared my story and experiences. After sharing my thoughts, I asked a simply question: Has anyone else navigated this and what have you have experienced? My goal was to find commonality with my peers and solidarity in what I’d went through. Surely I couldn’t be the only one with that experience.
What I expected was people sharing their personal stories and what may (or may not) resonate within the context of my share. What I didn’t expect was to be told to go to therapy and have the conversation shut down without any additional insight. (I had already shared in my post that I had discussed this in therapy, so the suggestion of therapy came across more as dismissal than supportive.)
I felt blindsided. For a group that I had seen give reasonable support and advice to others in a similar boat, I was anticipating, well, more grace and acceptance. It triggered an old familiar wound: people can’t be trusted, nobody understands me, and why am I being attacked and shut down when I didn’t say anything wrong? I reread my message over and over but couldn’t understand what was getting this reaction.
The answer turned out to be a common limitation that anyone who seeks connection in group therapy or support settings face: the choice between prioritizing comfort vs risk-taking.
To fully understand the importance of this underlying theme, we must discuss the nature of trauma. Trauma is when we experience very stressful, frightening or distressing events that are difficult to cope with or out of our control. After a traumatic event leaves an imprinted memory on someone, the mind will do whatever it can to avoid re-experiencing the emotions, memory, or situation that caused it. Often individuals who have experienced trauma will find themselves avoiding behaviors or potential stressors to reduce to the risk of triggering a reaction to the initial experience.
Informal support groups tend to form under the banner of connecting through common experiences, such as anxiety, single parents, domestic abuse survivors, etc. Unless being facilitated by professionals, it’s difficult to maintain an environment that can hold space for everyone’s needs. Support groups really aren’t built to provide additional healing, but rather allow others to connect on a common identity or experience. If your experience or way of approaching a subject differs from others, it can cause a rupture in that experience, leading others to experience anxiety as a response and potentially not be able to understand or connect or even shut down the “threat” to the image the group is sustaining.
So how does a support group actually help you?
In my opinion, it depends on who you are and what you need on your healing journey.
A better way to approach a support group or group therapy should be asking yourself first: “What do I want to gain out of this experience?”
In my example, my goal was to seek reassurance and validation through sharing my thoughts around my experiences. While this may have been better received in an organized therapeutic setting, the act of seeking validation from strangers that I hadn’t formed close enough bonds to ensure both parties emotional receptiveness could handle the conversation made it an environment not able to hold space for my needs. My attempt at connection was received as a risk to the status quo than an attempt to dive deeper. This disrupted the comfort that had been established by the group in how they engaged and discussed topics.
This forces you to observe two things: am I receiving what I need out of this situation and is the environment suitable to make that happen?
As anyone who has joined a support group may attest, each experience is unique and can wildly depend on who is involved in the group and how it’s facilitated. Be sure you fully understand the goals of the group and what experiences are expected to be shared. Also, if you’re expecting things such as confidentiality and therapy informed guidance, verify that a licensed professional will be present for facilitation. Don’t assume that if you share something that people will be bound to silence if disclosure agreements haven’t been signed, especially when sharing online.
It’s important to recognize that not every social encounter in a support group will go perfectly according to our expectations. After all, a certain level of resiliency is required when engaging with the unpredictability of humans, even amongst “safe” spaces. What makes a group better for support is when there is consistent repair during conflict, engagement, and boundaries instead of relying on commonality of experiences.
This is where, if I’m still struggling to fit into these group settings, I’d ask myself what is my own capacity to engage with others while I’m vulnerable?
If you’re frequently finding that you’re not able to experience vulnerability with people in general, then that should be a signal to reflect more deeply on where you’re seeking support. When you’re in a group setting, it requires more energy and capacity to engage with others when activated by trauma, making situations potentially more difficult to sustain. More than likely, discussing ways to expand your social bandwidth with a trained professional can assist you more than trying to force yourself through more exposure. We shouldn’t expect ourselves to be perfect in healing settings, however, we still need to be able to be accountable for ourselves and others to prevent further harm.
How you choose to protect the vulnerable aspects of ourselves when sharing with is important in any healing journey. Finding connection that supports us in meaningful ways can feel overwhelming, especially when it’s already a seemingly large task to open up in general. That said, I’ve had many wonderful experiences in group support settings, allowing me to meet amazing individuals who I’d not otherwise connect with. This is why I encourage anyone who is considering support in a group setting to do their research, take their time, and trust your gut and intuition on any scenarios you encounter.
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